The Danger of Normal

It officially feels normal here.  I don’t know when this happened, but life does feel oh-so regular now, and it’s kind of nice.  I feel like I know what I am doing here for the most part, and we’ve had a more even mix of good, hard, fun, and bad days. 

But now, I am afraid that the normalness of it all is desensitizing me.  And this can’t happen.  It is one of my biggest dangers/fears of being here. 

I’ve been physically fought against, bitten, cussed out, spit on, and completed disregarded by these kids.  I will admit, they have hurt my feelings from time to time, and some days I have been moved to tears.  Humans hurt one another, and love is hard to find in these times.  While I don’t use the specific weapons they wield, I do have methods of hurting those around me (just ask my family… :]) .  I don’t always put these weapons to use, but I will confess that I have wanted to fight back with more than one kid while being here. 

I have seen the spiritual battle in ways that I never have before.  I am remembering more and more in these hard moments that the kids are not the enemy.  I can’t fight them, their flesh and blood, and successfully show them a better way.  I am reminded that my job is not only to show them a better way, but to actually show them the Best Way. 

My fight is not with them but with the spiritual forces that manipulate them with lies.  I am learning that the only way to defeat the king of lies is to flood his spaces with Truth and Love.  And how am I able to share these essential things if I don’t first fill myself with them? 

It is hard to admit that I have worked shifts feelings completely empty of Love and Truth, but it is true.  I was really struggling with spending my down time in the Word and filling myself with His Truths and Love for me and all of us.  I was tired and spent and sad and mad (which is a big reason that I have not had words to share in a blog post for the past couple of weeks).

But God is faithful through it all.  He gently reminds me that I am no different than these kids.  I screw up, sin, hurt others, believe lies, and fail.  But He died for this muddled soul……He knew that we would be messy, and He chose us anyway!  He loves, pursues, and fights for us.  He not only cares about our hurts and disappointments, but He feels them too and offers to carry them for us!  He is always patient, faithful and true, and no matter what we do or what Satan tries to accomplish, He never changes.  He is perfect Love. 

Not only does He show me that I need His grace, but He has also been giving me His eyes for these kids.  They’ve been through hell.  I don’t usually use such strong language, but it’s true.  These kids have been through more than anyone should, and while it doesn’t excuse their behavior at times, it does help to explain it.  But I was becoming desensitized to it all!  And I just can’t do it anymore. 

Desensitizing has been a form of subconscious defense on my part.  If I don’t care as much, if I make their stories and actions “normal”, then I don’t get hurt as much.  It has been said, and I have found it to be true, that the opposite of love is not hate, but rather apathy.  Hate is at least a strong feeling towards something, but apathy is the lack of any feeling or care at all.  And not only is it ineffective for my time here (and life in general, really), but it is actually harmful. 

I want to love well.  I want to make a difference.  I want to show Jesus. And all of this is impossible if I become desensitized to the hurts of these kids and to the things that they do through their hurt.  I can’t do it anymore.  I want to feel things fully, even if that means getting hurt worse.  I’ll take it, if it means that I loved to the best of my ability. 

God has not only been humbling me in showing me that I am no different than these kids in their issues, but He has also been showing me that they are filled with beauty, gifts, talents, and value.  And how are they to believe this themselves, being all that they’ve been through, if I can’t help them see it.  It takes lots and lots of prayer and patience and more prayer, but it is worth it. 

The sum up: God has been really humbling me lately.  I have crud to work on too, and I am here to show Him to these kids.  I can’t show them what I don’t have.  I need more and more of Him daily. 

This post wasn’t fun to write, but I want to give you all a real picture of life here.  Unfortunately, I am a much more natural pessimist with life, but I plan to share some of the great stuff with you guys too, next time.  Thanks for sticking with me, encouraging me, praying for me and the others, kids and staff alike, and just loving me.  I know my ramblings get long, but thanks for allowing me the privilege of processing.  (Shoutout to Jewel for reminding me that writing is indeed a gift and therapy :])

Until next time, friends.  Keep loving hard and well. 

Fun facts:

-        Reading stories in Spanish to kids is hard, but so fun when they actually get into it also. 

-        The new “Black” moccacino  Magnum icecream bars are the BOMB.

-        Mango peelings hurt my lips and make them puff up mucho. 

-        The other volunteers are AWESOME and have been such a blessing in my life, even if we don’t get to see each other that much.  I cherish them and our 5 minute chats.  Shoutout to Briana, who is my much better half here. 

-        Avocado milkshakes exist, and the world is a better place with them. (yes, I realize I eat a lot here.  It’s one of the happys in my life :])

Until it Hurts...

"I have found the PARADOX-- That if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." --Mother Teresa

This, friends, is what I am learning. 

Three weeks. I have been in Ecuador now for almost 3 weeks, and time is just flying by. Some days are fun. Some days are hard. But every day I see a little bit more of God and His love for us.

Being here isn't easy. It's much harder than I expected, but for reasons I never really considered, as my first post since being here shared <Rad Dad>.  These kids have been through horrific tragedies already in their young lives. I expected them to love me and beg for my attention to play with them. Some moments, this happens, and that is fun. But most of the time, my life is not that pretty here. Most days are spent trying to figure out new/effective ways to help the kids do their homework and chores, stop fighting each other, play fair, and just listen. Most days, I feel like I have made absolutely no impact in these kids' lives.  Some days, I feel like a complete failure.  But then, there are these rare moments when I see a sliver of the Kingdom being won.  And these moments are enough. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I love it here.  I truly enjoy being at the Foundation and working there, but by the end of the day, I am tired.  One of the older girls actually asked me if I get tired of being there, and I told her that I get tired, but I am not tired of being there.  I told her that I didn’t have to be there, but rather I choose to be there because I want to get to know them more.  I just pray that she and the others truly feel that when I interact with them. 

Two of the last three nights that I have worked have been pretty crazy.  I don’t want to go into the details, but I have never seen some of what went down ever in my life.  It terrified me and also broke my heart.  These kids live with the lie that there is no hope.  They don’t experience much peace, and they desperately need it!  When there is no peace, there is chaos.  I was reminded that I am here, in this moment, this time in their lives, to stand in the gap and declare victory in their lives.  To pray for peace to permeate their hearts.  To claim them for the Kingdom of God.  To love them regardless of their issues.  To fight for them. 

This isn’t easy.  I’ve prayed over some of the kids in ways that I (shamefully) never have before.  In their moments of pain, shame, anger, and hurt, I have been given the privilege of being there.  I’ve held teenagers in my arms who are sobbing, their tears and snot all over my arm.  I’ve sat beside them as they cry and yell as sorrow tried to overtake them.  I’ve come to realize and see with my own eyes just how real this spiritual battle is. 

This isn’t being written to show how great of a person I am.  In contrast, I have come to realize just how broken I am.  I often feel helpless, but that is also a lie.  Truth is that my God is good all the time…..He just is.  Truth is that I have Light when darkness is trying to overtake it all.  Truth is that He alone gives me the strength to continue to fight for these kids.  Truth is that He has already won. 

I ask those who are reading this to stand with me.  The devil is trying his hardest to kill their spirits and fill them with the lies that they are worthless and unloved and not worth it.  Some days, they believe them.  Pray for protection for their minds and hearts against his stupid schemes.  Pray that we would be able to show them just how worth it they are.  Pray that Jesus would be proclaimed in their lives each day.  Pray for PEACE.  Pray for JOY.  Pray for VICTORY.

Thank you for all the prayers you have already offered up on our behalf.  Don’t grow weary in them!  I know I speak for all the volunteers and staff when I say that we NEED your prayers.  These kids NEED your prayers.  They are making a difference.  God has already brought us to some of your minds when we needed your defenses the most.  The battle is real, and your prayers are the flaming arrows that are lighting up this place and fighting off the enemy’s army and attacks.  We thank you for fighting for us when all we feel we can do is hold up our Shield.  Love you. 

Beach Bums

Sometimes, God brings the most unexpected people into your life.  Yesterday He did just that.  His creativity in teaching me things never ceases to amaze me. 

The story starts like this.  Briana and I were scheduled to work at 3, so we decided to spend some much needed time of just resting on the beach together.  We quickly found out just how intense the sun is here in Manta.  It was HOT.  Briana almost immediately headed down to the water (which was a little walk from where we parked ourselves since the tide goes out so far), and I stayed and watched our stuff.  There weren’t that many people out at 11:30, but in the distance we could see a small group of guys.  Pretty soon after Briana started for the water, one of the guys from said group started walking my way.  “Oh brother” and “Please walk past” were all I could think.  My wish was not granted. 

Gabriel, as I soon learned, greeted me and asked if he could sit near me or if I would prefer that he not (in Spanish).  I told him I would prefer that he not stay, to which he responded gracefully, but then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to practice his English.  Something in me felt so rude to deny him this, so I reluctantly told him I could practice with him for a little, as I desperately kept looking out to where Briana was in hopes of seeing her return.  His English was actually quite good, and pretty soon Briana came back.  He asked what we were doing in Manta, to which we were very vague in replying.  I did NOT trust this guy at all, but I was trying not to be a typical rude American either. 

After 5 minutes or so, Gabriel told us he would give us our space and returned to his moronic (when you wave, whistle, and yell “hello” to foreigners, you most definitely deserve the title moronic) group of guys.  I soon got restless, as my pale self can’t take the intensity the sun offers for very long, and so we walked down the beach a little ways to seek out shade.  After finding some that also offered the entertainment of watching crabs scurry to and fro, we pulled out our PBnJs and enjoyed the breeze and sound of the ocean. 

Wouldn’t you know, a little while later, Gabriel came walking past us again.  I don’t know if he saw us the first time he went by or not.  But needless to say, Bri and I weren’t trying to make eye contact.  A bit later, he walked past again, going in the opposite direction.  This time he definitely did notice us, much to our dismay, but he walked on by anyway.  We were very grateful, and started making plans to leave and go get some cheap milkshakes down the road before heading to work.  About 20 minutes before we were going to leave, who do we see returning?  You guessed it. 

I was annoyed and asked God to direct his steps into the ocean and away from us.  Briana was a little more tactful and just asked God to send him right by us again.  But God knew what he was doing and actually had Gabriel stop and talk to us again.  He asked us if we would watch his shoes while he went swimming, but I (happily) told him that we were planning on leaving in 5 minutes as we had stuff to do that afternoon.  He told us that wouldn’t be long enough for him to swim, but then proceeded to just stand beside us looking out at the ocean.  I kept giving Bri and look that said, “This is weird.  Why isn’t he moving.” And she kept giving me a look that said, “What should we do?” 

We ignored him for a little, but finally I couldn’t take the awkwardness anymore and asked him where his friends were.  He told us that they were really just acquaintances and that they went to go surfing.  I KNEW that God really wanted me to ask him if he knew Jesus, but I was so against it.  I just wanted to go get my milkshake with Briana and get as far away from this random guy as we could.  But the feeling wouldn’t leave me.  Finally, after glancing at the time and deciding we could spend 10 minutes talking to him, I asked him.  He gave me a funny look and said yes, but he wanted to know why I asked.  I just told him I was curious.  He told us that he was Catholic and that he believed that Jesus came to save us.  And pretty soon, we were in this big old discussion of good people and bad things that happen.  He just didn’t understand why the world wasn’t fair and just.  We kept responding in English and he kept talking in Spanish.  It was kind of awesome.  After a while, I knew that milkshakes were definitely out of the question, and thought that I should probably put more sunscreen on, as this conversation was not ending. 

I won’t go into all that was said, but he was very open with us and we with him.  I even told him that I hadn’t wanted to talk to him!  He told us normally people don’t ask these sort of questions nor is he so open to sharing his personal views so quickly with strangers.  He really thought about the answers and questions he was giving us, and at the end he said that this conversation was his answer from God that he hadn’t been receiving from so long.  He told us he was so thankful for us, and we all promised to pray for each other. 

God is the COOLEST.  Ever.  Gabriel still has a lot of good questions, and we didn’t have the answers to them all, but we encouraged him to keep asking.  Just don’t stop asking!  God will answer.  And we reiterated that God has already won the war.  Bad stuff happens, yes.  But God already won!  We just have to keep fighting and making the world a little brighter where it seems dark. 

I’m just in awe of how God did the complete opposite of what we wanted and how it ended up being the perfect way to spend our last HOUR at the beach.  Quite humbling to say the least.  I told Bri that even God knew that we didn’t need those milkshakes :]

In thinking back, I just find it so sad that these conversations that really matter don’t happen more.  Why is it that I felt I needed to write a blog about this “isolated” event.  Why isn’t this the norm?  Maybe it is for some of you, and that’s great!  But I just want to remind myself and anyone else who feels the same that having Jesus in my life is the greatest strength I have.  Why would we not want to tell others about it and allow them to experience the same friendship?

 

Please pray for Gabriel if you think about it.  Pray that God continues to send people into his life to ask him hard questions and give him more information. 

An update on the #TiaLife will be coming soon.  Thanks for all your prayers!  We crave them here!  

Rad Dad

It seems I have found myself off on another adventure again.  I am in awe of how much Jesus loves each of us and gives us the best gifts if we just let Him.  He knows me perfectly. 

I’ve only been here for 6 days, and already I am realizing just how hard it is going to be to leave.  Many of you (assuming anyone is reading this) know that I am in Manta, Ecuador serving at the Shekinah Foundation.  I have been confused as to what this place really is, but from what I have gathered and hopefully present correctly is that it is a home for Social Services, mas o menos.  Kids who are at-risk, abused, or otherwise unable to live safely at home can find love here at the Foundation which is able to house 25 kids (although sometimes they have taken in more) from birth up to 18-years-old.  Some have been here for a little while, others a few months, and a few just days.  Some are able to return home after a situation is resolved, and others live knowing they can never return to the places they used to call home.  For these kids, adoption is an option.  Due to the nature of this place and the safety of the kids, I cannot share their personal histories nor their faces with you all, but I hope to be able to convey a bit of the impact their lives are having on my own already. 

I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into when I came here.  I knew I would be helping out at what I thought was an orphanage for 3 months, and I knew that it was probably going to be hard, but I definitely didn’t realize just how challenging it would be.  I was preparing myself to be devastated by the tragedies these kids have had to live through and acknowledging that my Spanish would hopefully improve, but that’s about all I knew.  Now I see that it is SO MUCH more than that!
 

The kids have already grabbed hold of more chunks of my heart.  It’s amazing how God can tune our hearts to fall in love so quickly, but one thing I didn’t think about was just how much loving hurts.  You can’t escape it.  If you love someone, they will hurt you in some way, at some point, whether they mean to or not.  And these kids have been hurt time and time again.  Those that were supposed to teach and protect them, didn’t.  Those that they thought would remain, left.  And here I come scampering into their territory for a short 3 months with little ability to communicate with them and expecting them to love and trust me.  Ignorant. 

I’ve realized in the 3 days that I have worked there that I am going to hurt these kids.  I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but its unavoidable.  I am going to leave, and only God knows right now if I will ever return.  If they choose to love and trust me during my stay here, I am going to be another person who has come and gone in their life.  Already I have felt the tension of them shutting me out as a way to protect themselves, and I can’t blame them for this.  You can’t lose what you never had, right? 

The thing is, we were made to love.  We were made to have relationships with others, and like I said before, this can be painful.  I don’t want to be another one who has let them down.  I won’t ever stop loving them, but they won’t always believe that.  I’ve been humbled in these 3 days, and I can only imagine what 3 more months will do.  I was told and have definitely come to believe that you cannot lead well without having relationships.  This is so true.  I want to lead and serve these kids well, but I have realized that before anything can happen, I have to focus on each individual child and find a way to connect with them.   This, I believe, is scary for them, but at the same time so wanted and needed. 

I mentioned earlier that this is more challenging than I expected.  I love kids, but I’ve never had to deal with so many at one time or for very long.  Kids are awesome, but kids are also hard.  They have already expanded my perception of love.  For this, I am grateful and ready to continue learning. 

What I am beginning to realize is that Jesus really is the only one who will never fail us.  Ever.  What I want more than anything is for these kids to believe and experience this.  I want to be a reflection of Jesus to them that so compels them to trust Him with all of their hurt and doubt.  He is the only one that will never fail them if they just are willing to trust and rest in Him.  Martin Luther said it best in his Exposition of Psalm 147, “Our works are God’s masks, behind which He remains hidden, although He does all things.”

This boy here has a tight grip on one of those chunks I told you about earlier. And this sight made me very sad at first.  His shirt reads, “Rad Like Dad”, but knowing his story, I know this is a complete lie.  His biological father is not rad; I can think of few that are worse examples than him.  But as I was contemplating this and how horribly wrong the shirt was, I remembered that he does have a very rad Dad.  So rad, in fact, that there is none better.  Like I said before, I am in awe of how much God loves us so perfectly.  Pray with me, that he and the other children here would truly know just how loved and admired they are.  And pray too that I would continue to learn and love just a little more than even I think I can.  More to come, friends.  Until next time. 

Fun facts:

-        Drinkable yogurt is delicious. 

-        When nothing else is working, tickles are a good option. 

-        Ironically, Uno is kind of a hard game to explain when your Spanish is limited.   

-        Naps/rest times being hated by kids is a universal thing.

-        I did not make the boy in the photo pose with the frisbee like that.  The stinker was trying to stop me from taking the picture.  Little did his 4-year-old self know that it was actually perfect for me to share. :]

The Gift of Travelling with Sisters

This picture is one of my favorites.  Thanks so much, Rachel, for capturing the moment as we were completely oblivious.  I saw it for the first time as I was going through all my pictures and picking out the hundreds (literally) that I want to print, and it immediately sparked a desire in me to blog.  I feel like it encapsulates the last 9 months in a snapshot. 

The hike that we were on when this was taken was an awesome one.  We took a lot of pictures, laughed a ton, saw some pretty incredible sights, and there was just a sense of adventure in the entire thing.  We even had a fatality on the way (RIP Briana’s drowned lens cap)!  On our way back to catch the bus, we decided to take a different route, which was actually blocked off at one point.  As we walked on the trail, we didn’t really know where it was going to take us.  It got very hot as we trudged on, but as you can see, we had quite a view to take in the entire time.  Finally, we did end up finding the main road and a familiar bus stop, and all was well. 

My God is a professional mind-blower.  The picture shows a great expanse and screams of His majesty and creativity.  And then, as you take in the whole picture, you see that off to the side are 4 average-looking girls walking an old dirt road.  They aren’t the center of the picture, but rather just a part of it.  And that’s how it is in the journey of life.  You walk a road with people, there are ups and downs, and if you keep your eyes on yourself, all you see is dirt below.  But when you stop making yourself the focus and look around at all He is offering you, the view is breathtaking.  The walk isn’t always easy or fun, and at times you have no idea where the road is leading, but He is faithful.  And when you understand that you are not the center of this life but rather just a part of it, it’s a lot less frustrating and much more beautiful.

I’d go anywhere with these girls.  It’s the truth.  These ladies are full of life, hope, love, and light.  It’s women such as these that make the best travelling companions, and even more than that, friends.  I love them…..not just the flippant sort of love that you say about pretty much anyone.  No, I really love these girls.  They have inspired, blessed, grown, and loved me.  They’ve brought me so much laughter, taught me so much about love and Jesus, seen me at my ugliest and shown me beauty through it, and strengthened me with their constant encouragement. Sure, they’ve also driven me crazy with their incessant “Mom” calling, made me mad, assisted me in annoying our neighbors, hurt my feelings, and pushed my buttons.  We were like sisters……are like sisters.  It’s a part of the journey, and our journey was phenomenal. 

When I think of my girls (a term I still use to refer to them), I see beauty.  Yes, they are gorgeous women, but it’s so much more than that.  There’s a strength and power behind each of them.  They are lovers of life, seekers of depth, spreaders of joy.  I am just so PROUD of each of them.  It was such a privilege to be able to appreciate and witness the growth that each one of them displayed. 

Well, team.  We finished.  We are now spread out in distance, and as we have already experienced, It is a lot harder to keep up with each other’s lives now.  But I just want to say that although far in reality you are very present in my thoughts and prayers.  I tried to express what an impact you all have made in my life above, but it didn’t work as well as I would have liked.  I don’t know if you will ever understand what a blessing you were in my life.  The truth you spoke when I was doubting, encouragement you gave when I was down, and love you showered me with throughout it all has shaped me.  You’ve pushed me to the Father; what could possibly be better than that??  NOTHING.  So…..thank you.  I can’t say more than that really.  I’m grateful not only to you all, but to God as well.  He blessed me with you all and has used your friendship to reveal more of Himself to me.  Os quiero MUCHISIMO……y para siempre. 

So while it’s sad to think that our trip together is over, I am beyond thankful to the Guide that He placed you all in my life and that our journey together on the winding road of life has only begun.  

Processing

So…..this is a weird night.  I got home from work (a very stress free night) and came home and had no idea what I wanted to do.  There are a lot of things that I SHOULD be doing right now, including packing for vacation, cleaning, organizing things from my life and putting them away, going through pictures, writing letters and emails, and probably even some more things, but the fact is that I just don’t feel like it at all.  I have tried calling a few friends, but no one is picking up.  I sat down to read, but my Kindle needs to be charged.  So now here I am sitting on my bed, bundled under the covers with piles of folders and books all around when I realized, “Kirsten.  You need to blog.”  And that is exactly what my heart wants to do. 

You see, I am home now.  Yes.  I have been home for a week and a half now, and it feels like 2 months or something.  I hit the ground running and started right up in going back to work.  I can’t believe that a month ago I was living in Spain.  It kind of feels like a dream to me right now.  This will probably sound weird and pretty harsh to most of you, but honestly, I haven’t thought about Spain too much since I have been back at home.  Yup.  And until you leave for a few months and come back, you probably won’t understand me.  Now don’t get me wrong….when people ask me about Spain, I think about it and miss it.  And in my heart, I know I miss that place dearly.  But my head just isn’t thinking about it right now.  I don’t really know what is going on in my brain.  All I know is that I kind of feel like I am in a bubble right now. 

Reentry has been going good so far…..like really good.  I have seen pretty much everyone and have been able to spend time with those that I am closest to.  I haven’t been too overwhelmed or discouraged yet…..life is just good. 

I haven’t really been asked about Spain too much since coming home actually.  There have been a few friends who have asked really good questions about my life in Spain and the people I grew to love there, and I have really appreciated it, but just a few.  And until now it hasn’t really bothered me.  I think that I am just finally slowing down enough to have time to start processing, and now I wanna talk.  Because now……now I miss it. 

I skyped one of my best friends from Spain today.  His name is Enrique, or Kike for short.  And after our almost 2 hour skype, it feels as though my heart has just been shocked back to life and I miss my friends there so much.  I’d give up a whole lot right now to be back there with them. 

Reading over some of what I just wrote makes me sad and confused.  And I know it will confuse you all even more.  So I apologize. It is quite depressing-sounding actually.  I am not depressed, and I hate that all of this sounds like one big grumble.  That is not what I want to do.  I guess this is just where I am at in life right now.  Life is good here.  I enjoy it.  I am happy to be reconnecting with family and friends again here….people that I really missed while I was gone.  But now I am also in the stage of just really missing Granada life.  And now that I think about it, I am happy that I feel this way.  It’s been weird not really thinking about Spain.  I’ve felt guilty, when really I have known that it would only be a matter of time before everything caught up to me and I would feel like I do now.  So I am glad that it is here.  Is it going to be easy to deal with and stay satisfied and content with where God has me right now?  NO.  Definitely not.  But I am going to continue to fight for joy.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I am beyond blessed with all the privileges and opportunities He has sent my way. 

I would ask for prayer.  As my thoughts have just started and my processing is just beginning, I ask that you pray for a lot of patience and grace in this reentry process.  I want to live in the here and now, but I also don’t want to let the friendships I have made over there just slip away.  And I really want to deal with all of my crazy emotions in a healthy way this time.  Basically, just please pray for Jesus to be my main focus and desire again. 

I plan to write more soon…..when I have more of an idea of what I am even thinking.  It was good for me to kind of sort out how I feel at the moment, even if it is a jumbled mess of feelings. 

Thanks for caring, because I know that if you read this post that is exactly what you are doing…..caring.  Love you guys.  

Endings Filled with Memories

Change.  It seems to be the only thing I can think about these days.  To be honest, change scares me.  I hate it.  I don’t deal with it well.  Change hurts.  It means something has come to an end.  And I hate it.  But life is always transforming.  People change and life goes on.  And it’s sad at times.  And when I know things are going to be different and difficult to adapt to, I pull away.  It really benefits no one.

 You see, I just said goodbye to two of my best friends in Spain, and it was terrible.  Near the end of the movie we were watching together, all I could think about was the fact that our time with them was almost over.  I just wanted them to leave right then because I knew that the actual goodbye process was going to hurt.

 Walls.  That is the method that I have taken to try and protect myself from pain.  I just build up walls.  It’s really dumb, and honestly, it benefits nothing.  I end up being more hurt in the end as my walls block me off from seeing and remembering the good.  They cage me in so that I stop allowing myself to love all the way. 

We have been saying goodbyes for almost a week now, and as the week has progressed, the goodbyes have gotten harder and harder.  I am so sick of goodbyes.  I find it very dumb that we say “good”bye and “hell”o.  It should be “good”o and “hell”bye, pero bueno.  Life goes on. 

The end of the ride is in sight.  Don’t you hate that…..when the close of something great comes.  But, as someone wise once said, all good things must come to an end.  And they really must; if they didn’t, we wouldn’t appreciate the good times when we were in them.  So, I am just going to take some time to write this post and tell you all about the joy that I have experienced from this journey.  Cuz let me tell you……it’s been quite an adventure……a really fantastic adventure. 

To start things off, let me tell you about the food that I have gotten to experience and quite enjoy.  Yes, yes.  Bring on the fat jokes…..I’ve heard plenty of them in my time spent here.  I think the thing I am going to miss the most is shwarmas, which is funny because they are not even Spanish…..they are a Middle Easternish food.  Basically it’s a little taste of heaven in a tortilla type shell.  So good.  And churros con chocolate…..an absolute must if you are ever in Spain.  Napolitanas, champinones en salsa, tortilla espanola, bunuelos, calamari, paella, fresh bread, tostadas con aguacate o tomate, fresh orange juice, Principe fudge filled cookies, mosto (wine without alcohol).  And I can’t forget to mention café con leche.  I love it so so much. 

Now that we have all concluded that I am a fatty at heart, I’ll tell you that I’m really going to miss running into the people I love here on the street.  I love the walking we do here.  While I am super excited to drive when we get back home, I know that I am really going to miss walking down the street to the grocery store or marching downtown to do some shopping (and eating :]).  And the healthy aspect to all this walking is just an added bonus.  The fact that it was not at all uncommon for us to see someone we have grown to love on the street as well was always a highlight to my day.  And while Granadinians are not really known for their friendliness, I would debate on this issue.  I feel like in the states, it is not uncommon for me to see someone at Walmart and try to avoid them so that I don’t have to talk.  Let’s be honest…..we have all done it.  But here, no matter how little we know the person, we ALWAYS stop and talk or at the very least greet one another.  It’s so nice. 

Hiking.  While I am not overly in love with a lot of outdoorsy things, I have really grown to enjoy hiking a lot.  Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t have the urge to go trekking along the Appalachian Trail or anything, but it really is nice to have the ability to go into the mountains, experience the beauty of our Creator and get some exercise while browning (or redding) my skin a little. 

It’s no secret that Fe Y Vida has been my favorite activity that we have done here.  I feel like you can’t fully understand until you yourself have been to a service on Friday night.  It is just so good.  The Holy Spirit is so clearly there and moving.  The people love from their hearts and welcomed us in more than anywhere else while we have been here.  There is so much joy in that place.  And the community there just looks after and takes care of each other.  It’s like a family, and we have had the privilege of being adopted into it.  Words can’t really describe how grateful I am to have been given the honor of knowing them.  Great memories.  Intercambios, tapas, McDonalds, the beach, Easter, prayer.  So good. 

Grilled cheese nights at Mr. P and Mrs. J’s.  So good.  Sunday nights are my favorite in the States, and were definitely one of my favorite times in Spain as well. 

Nigel.  Sitting and talking to him on the sidewalk.  Laughing at the way he words things.  Breaking for the hurt that he has experienced and the hope he has lacked.  I’m gonna miss hearing him yell “YABADABADOOOOOOO!” and “I FEEL GOOOOOOOD.” He has no idea just how much he has taught me.  Our late goodbye with him was so hard.  He is fighting God so hard, but I will continue to pray for him all the time.  I got to say everything that I wanted to him as well, which was so good for my soul.  I told him that I understand that he doesn’t wanna hear about God.  His life has been a whole lot harder than mine is.  But I told him that I wouldn’t stop praying for him and that there are a whole lot of people back home that are praying for him too.  I told him that I wrote about him, and that when someone asked me to tell them about the person who has taught me something here in Spain, he was the first person who came to mind.  I told him that I loved him and that he has taught me more than he will ever know about love.  And the very best part?  He listened to me through it all.  He looked me right in the eyes for the whole thing……GAH.  I am going to miss those blue eyes so much.  Please continue to pray with me for that man. 

Our roof.  Although I didn’t go up as much as the other girls, especially when it got REALLY hot, I did enjoy it up there so much.  Great view.  Perfect place to kinda get away and just think.  The location that water balloons may or may not have been thrown from.  Just a really good place. 

Fontiveros park.  Just a small little area where I went to read my Bible, journal, listen to music, and even watch a movie once.  The place itself is not very spectacular, but I am going to miss hanging out there a lot.  Lots of good thinking was done there, and random friends were spotted as I just sat on a bench and enjoyed the sunshine. 

Our apartment.  So many memories there.  Perfect size for us.  I think of movie nights, Dutch Blitz, and all the good food made there.  Oh, and how could I forget to mention our wonderful neighbors?  It really does make me smile to think about all those mornings that the construction above us woke us up, and the two times that our downstairs neighbors came up to tell us to shut up.  :]  Good times. 

Cristina.  I mentioned Dutch Blitz, and that is because in the last month, every time she came over we played Dutch Blitz with her.  She learned so fast, and I hate to admit it, but she is definitely better at it than I am.  But she is so sweet.  She no longer even talks to us in English.  She just came over to hang out.  Before we left, she came over to give us keychains that she had made with pictures of us all together and they said her name and then “Nos volveremos a ver” which means, we will see each other again (translation in meaning, not literal).  It was so sweet!  I am going to miss her a lot.  And she put one of the sweetest posts on Facebook about us and how she is also going to miss us.  Please continue to pray with us that we could continue our relationship some more and that she would come to know Jesus too. 

Meal times with the team.  Just really good.  As of recently, we have not actually made a meal at home in over a week due to people inviting us over or eating at our places one last time, but I do miss sitting around our table on the couches, wolfing down some delicious grub and talking to each other when we come up for air. 

Singing with friends after intercambio.  A guitar would normally get pulled out and sometimes the piano hooked up, and we would just sing.  It was so good.  Ugh.  I already miss those friends, and we are just sitting in the airport waiting to leave. 

Crazy, ridiculous pictures with friends.  If there is one fun thing that my Spanish friends have taught me, it’s that you can NEVER have too many pictures to remember the little things in life. 

Picnic in the plaza.  Great friends.  Awesome memories.  Juice, mayonnaise, and sandwiches galore.  Lugging the food all the way up through town was worth it for the conversations and life that we got to share for a bit with some really great people. 

Talking Spanish.  It makes me sad that the improvement I have made will probably disappear in the next few months.  I am going to do my best to practice and try to keep most of what I have learned, but I know from experience that it is so hard to do. 

There are random other things that I am going to miss.  Friends pet phrases, such as, “ARE YOU KEEDING ME?!” “You need to learn manners” “Golden Girl” “YOOOOHOOOOOO” “Thee American people”  and “Hoooo (grunt like)”.  I’m going to miss Manu’s crazy dancing and ever present smile, David’s ridiculous English phrases accompanied by his giggle, Adri being mean to me, JP’s crunk dancing, Kike’s dramaticness followed by something clever, Marian’s carefree genuineness and fast driving, Samu’s helpfulness inserted with offensive joking, English speaking with Raul, Dani’s greetings, Antonio’s passion, Mr. P’s jokes, Mrs. J’s sensitive innocence and hilarious comments, Junior calling me “dear”, Moises being Moises, Cristina (teacher) scolding me for ketchup eating or chocolate consuming, and so much more.  Those were just the first things that popped into my mind. 

I was going to take some more time and tell you what I am going to miss about REACH and my team, but I just don’t feel up to it right now.  We are still together, so that might have to wait until we are forced our separate ways. 

As I think back on the past 9 months of my life, I am reminded of the perfect love of my Jesus.  I think I shared with you all a long time ago that when I started this chapter of my life, I really wanted to just fall completely and madly in love with Jesus.  I wanted to be romanced by Him and Him alone.  And as I look back, I realize that in one form or another, that is exactly what has happened.  Jesus has been by my side every single step of the way, and He has loved me perfectly.  Sure, there have been hard times.  I’ve grown a lot in the past 9 months, but I still have a lot of things to learn and a lot of gross left to weed out of my heart and life.  But Jesus is patient and faithful through it all.  He has never stopped loving me, even when I have been a selfish brat.  He has actually SPOILED me quite a bit. 

I look back and I just see the picture of Jesus smiling at me as He walked over and asked me to dance.  It was completely up to me whether I accepted His offer or not.  But why would I turn down an offer like this?  The Savior of the world, the Lover of my soul, asked ME to dance.  And so we did.  He’s twirled me.  I messed up some of the steps and He laughed with me as I stumbled around.  I tried taking the lead at times and the dance became a frustrated and jumbled mess.  But He never let go of my hand.  He has held me through it all.  The only time the dance has stopped is when I have made it stop….when I have pushed Him away. 

I’ll continue more on this later.  For now, I am going to try to enjoy the rest of the time I have with my girls and have fun during reentry with all the other teams.  Please continue standing with me in prayer for the city of Granada.  We want light to illuminate from that place.  One day I will be back…..I don’t know for how long, but at least for a visit.  I can’t wait to see the friends we have made again and to pop back in to see how Mr. P and Mrs. J are doing. 

This has been an amazing experience, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  Thank you all for staying tuned and caring about what is going on in my life.  I love you guys. 

Ps- Sorry about the abrupt ending.  I am tired of dwelling on the things that are making me sad. :]