Processing

So…..this is a weird night.  I got home from work (a very stress free night) and came home and had no idea what I wanted to do.  There are a lot of things that I SHOULD be doing right now, including packing for vacation, cleaning, organizing things from my life and putting them away, going through pictures, writing letters and emails, and probably even some more things, but the fact is that I just don’t feel like it at all.  I have tried calling a few friends, but no one is picking up.  I sat down to read, but my Kindle needs to be charged.  So now here I am sitting on my bed, bundled under the covers with piles of folders and books all around when I realized, “Kirsten.  You need to blog.”  And that is exactly what my heart wants to do. 

You see, I am home now.  Yes.  I have been home for a week and a half now, and it feels like 2 months or something.  I hit the ground running and started right up in going back to work.  I can’t believe that a month ago I was living in Spain.  It kind of feels like a dream to me right now.  This will probably sound weird and pretty harsh to most of you, but honestly, I haven’t thought about Spain too much since I have been back at home.  Yup.  And until you leave for a few months and come back, you probably won’t understand me.  Now don’t get me wrong….when people ask me about Spain, I think about it and miss it.  And in my heart, I know I miss that place dearly.  But my head just isn’t thinking about it right now.  I don’t really know what is going on in my brain.  All I know is that I kind of feel like I am in a bubble right now. 

Reentry has been going good so far…..like really good.  I have seen pretty much everyone and have been able to spend time with those that I am closest to.  I haven’t been too overwhelmed or discouraged yet…..life is just good. 

I haven’t really been asked about Spain too much since coming home actually.  There have been a few friends who have asked really good questions about my life in Spain and the people I grew to love there, and I have really appreciated it, but just a few.  And until now it hasn’t really bothered me.  I think that I am just finally slowing down enough to have time to start processing, and now I wanna talk.  Because now……now I miss it. 

I skyped one of my best friends from Spain today.  His name is Enrique, or Kike for short.  And after our almost 2 hour skype, it feels as though my heart has just been shocked back to life and I miss my friends there so much.  I’d give up a whole lot right now to be back there with them. 

Reading over some of what I just wrote makes me sad and confused.  And I know it will confuse you all even more.  So I apologize. It is quite depressing-sounding actually.  I am not depressed, and I hate that all of this sounds like one big grumble.  That is not what I want to do.  I guess this is just where I am at in life right now.  Life is good here.  I enjoy it.  I am happy to be reconnecting with family and friends again here….people that I really missed while I was gone.  But now I am also in the stage of just really missing Granada life.  And now that I think about it, I am happy that I feel this way.  It’s been weird not really thinking about Spain.  I’ve felt guilty, when really I have known that it would only be a matter of time before everything caught up to me and I would feel like I do now.  So I am glad that it is here.  Is it going to be easy to deal with and stay satisfied and content with where God has me right now?  NO.  Definitely not.  But I am going to continue to fight for joy.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I am beyond blessed with all the privileges and opportunities He has sent my way. 

I would ask for prayer.  As my thoughts have just started and my processing is just beginning, I ask that you pray for a lot of patience and grace in this reentry process.  I want to live in the here and now, but I also don’t want to let the friendships I have made over there just slip away.  And I really want to deal with all of my crazy emotions in a healthy way this time.  Basically, just please pray for Jesus to be my main focus and desire again. 

I plan to write more soon…..when I have more of an idea of what I am even thinking.  It was good for me to kind of sort out how I feel at the moment, even if it is a jumbled mess of feelings. 

Thanks for caring, because I know that if you read this post that is exactly what you are doing…..caring.  Love you guys.