Sunday, October 14, 2012
Well hello blogging world! It has been quite a long time. I realize that about 4 months ago, I had said I was going to continue to blog randomly. And throughout the past 4 months, I have thought about that fact that I have not blogged randomly. Sometimes I really wanted to, I just had so much going on that I couldn't fit blogging in for that week. Other times, I really didn't have any desire to blog. This lack of desire was due to lots of different things each time. But all of this meaningless background info is just to say, I haven't blogged in a long time, but I am excited about this post. So here goes. :]
Lots of things have happened in the last 4 months, and at the same time, not a whole lot has happened. How this is possible is really beyond me. But its true.
This summer was.......weird. I feel like weird is the perfect word to pick because weird is neither bad or good. It's just different. And that is exactly how I felt pretty much the whole summer.
For one, I worked a lot. This was good because it kept be busy, but most of the time, when I was working, other people were free, and then when I was free, other people were working. I feel like I didn't hang out with people this summer like I normally would have. Coming back from being gone for almost a year is a weird enough feeling. But then, add to that the changed relationships that come from being out of people's lives for so long, and you have yourself a confused, out of place state of mind. That is where I was a lot of this summer. I really love being back home. I do. But, it definitely hasn't been the easiest thing.
I'm not gonna lie. There were definitely times when all I wanted to do was move away to somewhere where no one knew me and just start over. Most people have felt this at some point in their lives. I just had this feeling a lot more than I ever have before for longer periods at a time. My reasoning behind this feeling was just selfish. I was feeling sorry for myself and sick of it being so hard. All I wanted to do was run away from the frustration, hurt, and responsibility I have here at home at times. When I felt lonely, acted like a brat and hurt my family, or got caught up in thinking about the past, I just wanted to leave and start over in a place where I had no expectations for what life should look like. Is any of this making any sense?
This is making my summer sound awful. My summer was in no way awful. I did do fun things with amazing people. I have the best people in the world in my life. I am being so serious. If you don't believe me, step in to my life for a week, and I will prove it to you. But, as a warning, you might leave feeling depressed about your own life. :] Ok, so I am probably a little biased. But for real. I am so BLESSED. My life really is filled with wise people who look out for me even when I don't realize I need to be looked out for. I have people who make me feel special with random things in everyday life. I have people that I can fight with and yet still know that they are never gonna leave my side because they are that loyal, not because of anything I do. I don't know. I am just overwhelmed by a feeling of blessedness. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I love blogging. It makes me realize things that I know but don't necessarily pay attention to.
- PB nights
- Clippers game
- 130 am Redbox runs
If you understand any of these references, then you know you are in a memory that came right to my mind when I thought about the summer. THANKS.
After the summer, school started. Basically, I got back from Florida and went directly into making sure I have everything I need for college because it started 3 days later. True to form, I did not have everything I needed for college. Yay procrastination. I will never forget my first day of college. It was awful. That day was probably the dumbest I have ever felt in my life. But that's what makes memories, right?
Since that first day, my time has been pretty consumed with school, homework and work. I have started serving at the Der. Woot. So yeah. I guess in the past almost 2 months of school, my mind has been on school a lot. Not only does this mean that I haven't been able to hangout with people very much, but I have realized recently just how deep I have fallen back into the American tradition. And I don't like it. At all. You see, when I came back I had a lot of plans. I was going to get really involved with outreach in Columbus and around home. I was going to really invest my time in the lives of others and change my world.
The funny thing about plans is that if you don't carry them out, nothing happens. Shocking, right? Yeah. I have been so absorbed by my own little life. True, school is pretty demanding at times and quite the switch from high school and life in Chile. And work is necessary to be able to live at this point. But, I have let these things keep me from doing what needs to be done and what I know deep down I love. Basically, my added responsibilities have been an excuse that I hide behind. I don't know why. I just haven't prioritized the actual IMPORTANT things in my life as important. But I realize that now. I'm sick of getting so caught up in this endless fight to be on top. I'm tired of the empty conversations. I'm fed up with being so into me and what I am doing that I hurt those around me. I want to be done.
When I got home, I distinctly remember talking to my dad about cell phones and saying, I don't think I even want a smart phone anymore. I don't need it. And now......now I just have to have the new iPhone. When did this happen? When did all the things I learned in the last year get switched out for more Americanized thinking? When did washing the dishes become such a pain again? When did time start going so fast that there is no place for letter writing? When did pointless reality shows become so necessary in my week? And when did Chile leave my everyday thoughts to be replaced by pointless, ridiculous, petty desires of my flesh?
I don't know when exactly, but the why is what really concerns me. What changed and why?
As I type this, I realize just how much I miss my Chileno family. If I could see Nacho right now for even just 5 minutes, I would probably cry. And I am not a cryer. But I miss my hermanito.....tanto. My desktop picture is one of Josue and I pretending to be a lion and a tiger in a fort we made out of chairs and blankets. He is absolutely ADORABLE. I mean, how have I become so unconcerned with what is happening in his life?
I love them. And nothing is gonna change that, although it hasn't been easy at times.
Sometimes I wonder why God called us to Chile. Sometimes I just don't understand it and don't want to understand it. But deep down, I know that even if I can't see it right now, God had a plan and reason for taking us there. And as much as I hate to admit it at times, a part of my heart is still in Chile. Its in the hands of the beautiful people down there. And to be quite honest, I don't want that part of my heart back. I want that stolen piece to fuel me, push me, and break me. It has to flame the passion.
Sometimes life just doesn't go how we envisioned it would go. Have you ever had a meeting with someone and thought you knew what they were going to tell you, only to find out that it is exactly opposite of what you were expecting? It can be a shock to your system. Or sometimes, horrible things can happen out of the blue, and you are just left wondering how in the world you are gonna make it. And this sucks.
BUT----there is something that has gotten me through whatever sucky situation I have been in. More like a Someone. Jesus ALWAYS carries me through. Even when I don't understand it or even want to understand it. Even when I just want to be mad and depressed, He gets me through. I don't deserve it. He just loves me. He loves me because He loves me. And the same is true for every single person on this earth. No matter what, Jesus loves you because He loves you. You can't do ANYTHING to change that. Its a crazy concept, right?
I don't really know where I am going with this post. All I know is that I have a lot of things to process from just this past week even. So I am just sorta spitting out whatever comes to my head that I need to get sorted out.
Friends are the biggest blessing in life. They are the people, who on your most stressful days drop off a coffee Monster to get you through. They are the people you have memories with from years gone by and that appreciate those memories just as much as you do. They are the people who love you in the most selfless ways. They care. They ask questions. They make you think. They push you. They call you out when you are being a brat. They love you through all the imperfections. And they make it known how much you mean to them. Yup, I got the best ones out there.
I have been put on this earth to glorify my Father. I have been put on this earth to love others. I have been put on this earth to grow in knowledge and wisdom and use it to help others. I have been put on this earth to change my world.
I have not been put on this earth to feel loved and accepted. I have not been put on this earth to feel important or receive credit for anything. I have not been put on this earth to feel entitled to anything.
With these concepts in mind, I realize how wrong I have it sometimes. But now, as I realize how selfish I am at times, I just want to go and love on some kids who have never felt love before. I don't need to feel the love of others. I have the Love of the universe backing me up. What is holding me back?
You guys, this post is all over the place. It probably makes no sense to anyone besides me. And that is ok. Sometimes God just needs to get my attention, and this is one way that works pretty well.
He redeems my life. He loves me. He saved me. And IN HIM, I am complete and lack NOTHING. Worship Him. Love Him. Praise Him. Serve Him. Share Him. Be blessed.
Redeemed. Big Daddy Weave. Listen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSyLqbP8Z4I
Posted by kirsten at 8:14 AM